Of recent it seems I am going through a bit of a tough patch. I feel much more fragile when it comes to my emotions, and at any point could burst into a never-ending flow of tears. At first it can feel like there is no real cause for it, it’s at that point I sit and write because writing releases what I am feeling and although I am still a little fragile, I realise the meaning behind it. Today I am aware of the situation that is definitely contributing to my mood, we are looking to move house. When it was just looking at show homes and talking about the idea of it, I was so unbelievably excited and couldn’t think of anything better, but now on hearing that its financially viable and that wheels can be put into motion, I am suddenly filled with a combination of sadness, dread and worry. My home since my anxiety began has become my biggest safe zone, there isn’t anywhere I’d rather be than in my house with my husband and 2 girls. Moving from this house feels extremely scary to me, I mean I am petrified!! I am trying to tell myself that this is a positive step and something that I have actually wanted and been talking about for a long time. Looking at the situation as it is logically, we have outgrown our house and the next step would be to move, it all makes sense on paper……… just not in my head.
I have spent so much time trying to reduce down my safety habit’s as I have become aware that it isn’t actually helping me to overcome my anxiety, in fact it just feeds it. In the moment when you seek to face something that triggers anxiety you constantly attempt to put into place every safety measure you can think of to ensure your success. This rarely work’s because despite all the copious amounts of safety measures I put in place, I allow my anxiety to get the better of me anyway. I try to make myself believe that they work and that I need them, but ultimately all I need is self-belief and to try and stay in the situation long enough for the anxiety to improve.
I need to realise that the only pressure is the pressure I am putting on myself.
I have a great support network and my husband definitely has not been pressuring me to move house. To do this is a normal life progression for most people, but for me it feels like it is a near on impossible task, I just want to feel “normal” a word I really dislike but when you feel so different and insignificant it’s just instinct to long for normality, I wish to go back to a time when the anxiety and depression didn’t exist and everyday tasks would become the norm and not the struggle they are today.