When I first decided I would post my bIogs, I felt like the only reason I could write was because I was anxious and depressed, I would think I was only capable of doing so in a half decent way if I was sad or suffering in some way. Now that I am starting to feel more like me again, I have begun to worry that I wouldn’t be able to write any more. What I fail to remember is that I have always loved to write, as a child I would always be writing stories, I kept a diary growing up because It has always been a way I like to get things off my chest. Poems was something else I loved to write. I have never been someone that can just sit and write something creative or inspiring on the spot or on demand, for me it really has to be something I feel, otherwise it loses its emotion and the rawness, looking back at a time or event and describing it can be very different to writing it actually at the time it occurs, and for me I feel that’s just how I work best.
It’s taken me this long to start writing again because I never had the confidence or self-belief that what I writing was any good or even of any use to anyone. Having anxiety and depression can be debilitating and has thrown me into some of the darkest moments of my life, but it has also inspired me to write again, this time with a bit more confidence, I feel like there is a real purpose behind what I have to say and that in doing so I may even be able to help other’s. I have come to realise that I am not a better or a more capable writer it’s just that I have something to talk about. I have always had it in me to do this I just needed a bit of self-confidence and a subject to get me started.
Self-belief and self-confidence have always been something I have lacked and greatly struggled with, I have never really felt that I was worthy and that my opinion on anything was worth sharing. At school I would never raise my hand to answer a question even if I had the answer, because I didn’t trust what I thought would be right, I never felt confident in my ability to do anything well. I would always keep myself to myself and never really had my own opinion on things, I would just go along with what everyone else thought. I guess it was always for the fear of getting it wrong and making myself look stupid or even making others angry or upset with me. I was to put it simply a people pleaser, pretty much do as I am told and agree with whatever you say.
I have lived this way for 30 years of my life and only now after realising I have anxiety, having a complete break down and feeling like my life was no longer worth living, and then finally discovering the amazing talents of my curative hypnotherapist am I now finally realising that I am not that shy, worthless little girl that I had always believed, nor am I afraid to have an opinion of my own. I have a voice and I have as much right to an opion or belief as anyone else. I have also discovered that what others think of me matters far less than what I think of myself. For so long I am ashamed to admit I’d mistaken selflove, being confident and believing in yourself as bragging and basically just being a show off. The journey that I have been and am currently still on, have taught me that to love yourself is a great gift and one that it’s not necessarily easily achieved. It means accepting yourself exactly as you are, to others what may seem a flaw to you it’s a gift because it helps make up the person you are and the journey you have been on. It means believing in yourself when others doubt you and it means getting back up every time you get knocked down because you know that you are worth fighting for. Society makes it hard for us to love ourselves and social media can sometimes give us the impression that what we are is not enough. Constantly we criticize and compare ourselves to these unrealistic images, and that just adds to the damage.
Part of the journey I am on is learning to love myself and remind myself every day that I am enough and that I do deserve to be happy, no longer need I be afraid to say what think, feel or believe because I am now starting to realise that my opinion and my voice matters just as much as any other person out there, and that is the same for us all. We all have a right to live and speak our own truth and should not continuously fear the opinion of other’s, as long as we are happy and not hurting anyone else why should it matter, we all have value and we all deserve to find happiness, Self-belief and self-love.