A blog I’m not ready to share.

The blog that was supposed to be in number 19’s spot was of course The Pressures of Life Revisited. Unfortunately, I am so sorry to say that it is not going to be the case today. It is has been written, deleted and re written, it has been proof read, edited and hopefully all grammatical errors have been corrected. There isn’t a blog that I have thought about or worked on as hard as I have this one. This whole week it has been sat in my archive ready to publish, I put it there, I knew what the next step would be. So really what is the issue?

I wake this morning at 4:30am, instantly I am aware of the anxiety I am feeling in the pit of my stomach. On previous occasions I wouldn’t have been able to explain or recognise straight away what was triggering this feeling.  I was anxious all of the time about every scenario so it was far harder to distinguish the cause. As time has progressed, I am very grateful and pleased to say that my anxiety is a lot less, still there but not always, like it once was. My head used to be so full of so many worries that it was always really hard to un scrabble and figure out the trigger for specific times and occasions. It would be a whole process of breaking it down and really trying to work out the reason.  Today I didn’t need to go through that process, I was very aware of the cause of my anxiety. Straight away my mind is taken to the blog.  Initially I try to push it away and remind myself that, this is what I am supposed to do.  Share my story and hopefully help and inspire others on their journey. Be someone that provides the truth about how anxiety and depression really effect’s people, but also show that there is always a way back.  No matter how bad things get, my hope is to provide the reassurance that it is possible to overcome and break through that barrier. With this comes a pressure, not a pressure that is put upon me by others, but one that I thrust upon myself. In creating this blog, I create a whole host of expectations to provide the content I say I am going to. For some weeks now I have said that I would provide a follow up to Blog#15 The Pressures of Life, I didn’t feel it honest just to leave it as it was because that wasn’t the end of that situation, in fact it was only the beginning. I know that it’s something I need to share, not just because I said I would, but also because it’s the promise I made to myself when I started my blogs, if I am going to write about my journey,  I am always going to be open and honest about my experiences. As the morning progresses, so the does the intensity of my anxiety, I am becoming more and more consumed by it and less able to focus on my morning routine. I am trying to hold back the tears, but it’s not possible, sadness, shame, pressure and frustration with myself forces them to stream down my face.

My feelings are this…

As much as being honest and inspiring others is what I hope to achieve, I also have to remember to maintain and look after my own mental health. My heart, mind and gut are telling me I am not ready to share this blog just yet. I will publish it, but not today. It will happen as soon as I feel comfortable to do so.

The anxiety was made worse because I felt like I was letting people down.  Not following through with what I had promised.  Some of you may still feel that to be the case, and that is absolutely your right to do so, but I feel that there are times when it is far better to change the plan in order to maintain a healthy state of mind, than it is to keep to your word and potentially undo all the progress you have made so far.

I have learned to really listen to myself, and always try to see whether the fear I am feeling is irrational and something I should push through, or is it completely natural to have anxiety about the situation, and actually decide it is not worth the worry to follow through with the expectation.

Ultimately the decision is just that.

Yes, it’s something I should share and intend to do so in time, but for now I need to really focus on being okay mentally and emotionally.  Writing that blog has really triggered some issues that I hadn’t quite worked through. Once I have, I will be sure to come through with my promise to post it. In the meantime, I will continue to post blogs each Tuesday, and remain focused on the message that I am trying to share. 

I appreciate the support I have received thus far with my blog’s and hope you continue on this journey with me.

💚❤️

#itsokaynottobeokay

#shareasmilenotajudgement

#leadwithkindness

 

Published by A Work In Progress

My name is Natalie, I am a 30 something year old wife and mum of two children and one cheeky dachshund called Winston. I am a Mental Health Blogger and aspiring motivational speaker. It was May of 2019 that I decided to set up my website A Work in Progress, to create a blog based primarily on the subject of Mental Health. I chose to call myself and my website A work in Progress because after so many years of trying to seek perfection, living with extreme Anxiety and Depression has really helped me to realise that the something I was looking for simply didn’t exist. No one is perfect nor will they ever be, we continuously evolve and grow through the different experiences we have and the hurdles we encounter, thus making perfect versions of exactly who we are at that time in our lives. The intention with my blog is to inspire other’s and help them through the tough times, whilst drawing awareness to a subject that still does not get enough attention. Over the last few years I myself have struggled with Mental Health illnesses, specifically Anxiety and Depression. I first began writing as a way of helping myself to deal with my illness. It allowed me to express how I felt in detail and in turn allowed me to process my thoughts and figure out how best to manage and deal with them. I hope to spread a little more kindness into a world that doesn’t always feel very kind. I believe it is so important to recognise the colossal impact kind words can have and remove the perception that we should aspire to be like someone else rather than be happy with who we are. I want to share my experiences with others, to show that although tough and a journey that takes time, it is possible to reach the lowest point in your life and come out the other side.

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