The blog that was supposed to be in number 19’s spot was of course The Pressures of Life Revisited. Unfortunately, I am so sorry to say that it is not going to be the case today. It is has been written, deleted and re written, it has been proof read, edited and hopefully all grammatical errors have been corrected. There isn’t a blog that I have thought about or worked on as hard as I have this one. This whole week it has been sat in my archive ready to publish, I put it there, I knew what the next step would be. So really what is the issue?
I wake this morning at 4:30am, instantly I am aware of the anxiety I am feeling in the pit of my stomach. On previous occasions I wouldn’t have been able to explain or recognise straight away what was triggering this feeling. I was anxious all of the time about every scenario so it was far harder to distinguish the cause. As time has progressed, I am very grateful and pleased to say that my anxiety is a lot less, still there but not always, like it once was. My head used to be so full of so many worries that it was always really hard to un scrabble and figure out the trigger for specific times and occasions. It would be a whole process of breaking it down and really trying to work out the reason. Today I didn’t need to go through that process, I was very aware of the cause of my anxiety. Straight away my mind is taken to the blog. Initially I try to push it away and remind myself that, this is what I am supposed to do. Share my story and hopefully help and inspire others on their journey. Be someone that provides the truth about how anxiety and depression really effect’s people, but also show that there is always a way back. No matter how bad things get, my hope is to provide the reassurance that it is possible to overcome and break through that barrier. With this comes a pressure, not a pressure that is put upon me by others, but one that I thrust upon myself. In creating this blog, I create a whole host of expectations to provide the content I say I am going to. For some weeks now I have said that I would provide a follow up to Blog#15 The Pressures of Life, I didn’t feel it honest just to leave it as it was because that wasn’t the end of that situation, in fact it was only the beginning. I know that it’s something I need to share, not just because I said I would, but also because it’s the promise I made to myself when I started my blogs, if I am going to write about my journey, I am always going to be open and honest about my experiences. As the morning progresses, so the does the intensity of my anxiety, I am becoming more and more consumed by it and less able to focus on my morning routine. I am trying to hold back the tears, but it’s not possible, sadness, shame, pressure and frustration with myself forces them to stream down my face.
My feelings are this…
As much as being honest and inspiring others is what I hope to achieve, I also have to remember to maintain and look after my own mental health. My heart, mind and gut are telling me I am not ready to share this blog just yet. I will publish it, but not today. It will happen as soon as I feel comfortable to do so.
The anxiety was made worse because I felt like I was letting people down. Not following through with what I had promised. Some of you may still feel that to be the case, and that is absolutely your right to do so, but I feel that there are times when it is far better to change the plan in order to maintain a healthy state of mind, than it is to keep to your word and potentially undo all the progress you have made so far.
I have learned to really listen to myself, and always try to see whether the fear I am feeling is irrational and something I should push through, or is it completely natural to have anxiety about the situation, and actually decide it is not worth the worry to follow through with the expectation.
Ultimately the decision is just that.
Yes, it’s something I should share and intend to do so in time, but for now I need to really focus on being okay mentally and emotionally. Writing that blog has really triggered some issues that I hadn’t quite worked through. Once I have, I will be sure to come through with my promise to post it. In the meantime, I will continue to post blogs each Tuesday, and remain focused on the message that I am trying to share.
I appreciate the support I have received thus far with my blog’s and hope you continue on this journey with me.